


Head In The Clouds

by queerofthedagger



Series: Prongsfoot Stories [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Don't copy to another site, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, brief mention of abuse, idiots to lovers, with a tiny hint of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21675007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofthedagger/pseuds/queerofthedagger
Summary: James doesn't understand why Sirius gets mad when he tells him that he loves him. Just because friends usually don't do that, doesn't meanhecan't, right?Or James is an oblivious fool and everybody but him knows it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Prongsfoot Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909207
Comments: 23
Kudos: 323





	Head In The Clouds

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of thanks to [Dory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miraculous/pseuds/Miraculous) for beta'ing and coming up with the title! <3
> 
> Please do not repost my work anywhere or list it on goodreads (or similar sites).

**_1_ **

“I love you.“ It’s a lazy, soft murmur, the words falling from James’ lips without any intention or plan whatsoever. He just had three hours of gruelling Quidditch practice in a rough November storm typical for Scotland, and he’s currently lying stretched out on the couch in the Gryffindor common room with Sirius carding his fingers through his hair. It’s a rather good reason for being a bit absent-minded, as far as he’s concerned.

A frown appears between his brows when Sirius’ whole body tenses and he slowly blinks his eyes open, the crease between them growing when he sees his best friend staring down at him with narrowed eyes and his lips pressed into a thin line.

“No you don’t,” Sirius finally answers and his fingers tighten painfully in James’ hair.

It takes him a moment to catch up on what they’re actually talking about. He cranes his neck, tries to come up with an explanation for Sirius’ weird reaction and eventually smiles. “Just because I never said it out loud before, doesn’t make it any less true. Of course I do, you’re my best – “

“Exactly,” Sirius cuts in, and by now he’s glaring and pushing at James’ shoulder. “ _Friends_. Friends don’t say that to each other. Now let me get up.”

“Pads – “

Before he can come up with an idea, much less the actual words of what to say, Sirius is already up and halfway through the common room. James turns his head to look at Remus in the hope that he might be able to make more sense of this, but Remus merely shrugs and buries his nose back in his book.

“Maybe he just doesn’t like to hear it?” Peter offers from where he’s sitting on the floor, leaning over his charts for Astronomy and chewing on his quill.

James gives a non-committal hum and throws an arm over his face to hide his scowl. It’s not half as comfortable as it was just ten minutes ago, and his thoughts are running in circles while he tries to make sense of Sirius’ reaction.

After all, it’s true, and Sirius should know that. _Does_ know it, surely, and even if he doesn’t, just why in Merlin’s name would he accuse him of lying? Granted, he never said it before and neither did he plan to, but the moment it left his lips he knew it to be true. He loves Sirius the way someone loves their best friend and no matter how uncommon it might be to say that out loud, he doesn’t see what the problem is. They never do common, after all.

Five minutes later, he still has no satisfactory answer and jumps up with a quiet growl to stalk up the stairs towards their dorm. Remus shouts something after him but it’s swallowed by the general noise of an evening in the common room, and he can’t be bothered to go back and check.

The dorm is dark and silent, and James huffs to himself before he flicks on the lights. Sirius’ bed is empty but, sweeping his gaze through the room, he finds him sitting on the windowsill in the corner, half-hidden from view, with his legs pulled up to his chest and a cigarette dangling between his lips.

He walks over and leans against the wall next to his feet, plucking the cigarette out of Sirius’ fingers who only spares him a brief glance.

“Want to tell me what that was about?” he asks after the silence stretched for a while, and he keeps a close eye on Sirius’ expression.

There’s a flicker of a grimace before Sirius sighs and turns to meet his eyes. “Forget about it, alright?”

“But –“

“ _Please?_ ”

James frowns again and draws his bottom lip between his teeth. Sirius doesn’t only look uncomfortable, he seems downright miserable and that’s ignoring the rarity of him actually _pleading_ for something.

It doesn’t change the fact that he really, _really_ wants to know what got into him, but he’s never been any good at saying no to him, so he just sighs and nods.

**_2_ **

“Fuck, we did it! Merlin’s pants, I love you!”

Like the first time, James doesn’t think about it. They just won the Quidditch cup of their sixth year, his first year as captain, and he’s buzzing with adrenaline and pride and joy.

They’re not even all the way back down on the ground and he already pulled Sirius into a sideways hug, laughing and proclaiming just how fucking happy he is, and it only occurs to him when Sirius tenses again that this might not have been his best idea.

At the same time, the small, niggling voice that likes to remind him occasionally of that particular incident in the common room a year ago is telling him that he might just have a better chance to find out what Sirius’ problem is if he confronts him with the same statement again and again.

He never followed through with the idea because it feels like manipulating him and besides the obvious point that he doesn’t _want_ to manipulate his friends, he also doesn’t think that he could pull it off without Sirius noticing.

He pulls back and looks at Sirius who’s still tense but attempts a smile that’s so obviously fake that it makes James’ own grin freeze and slip off.

Before he can say anything though, Sirius seems to shake it off, claps him on the back and grins brightly. It still appears to be vaguely forced, his eyes not really meeting James’, but he ruffles his hair and says, “Nice one, Prongs! We did it!”

Then he disentangles himself and finally lands, and he’s out of view before James can even start to get his bearings back.

The following party in the common room is loud and long, only coming to a halt when McGonagall comes in at 4 in the morning and shoos them all off to their dorms. James startles when he slips into bed and remembers only then that the weird incident slipped his mind, and he vows to pick the issue back up the next morning.

He doesn’t; Sirius is already gone when he gets up, his head is pounding with a mean hangover and he barely manages to make it to breakfast on time. He does catch the considering looks that Remus throws between him and Sirius, but he still has trouble to keep his eyes open and then there’s the last day of classes to attend, the last prank of the year to pull and suddenly they arrive at Kings Cross and Sirius’ mother can’t wait to pull her miserable-looking son away from him.

**_3_ **

“I love you, fuck Sirius, don’t you dare die on me, you hear me? You stubborn bastard, you’re supposed to glare at me now, not just lie there all pale and bruised and lifeless.”

James is cursing, ignoring his mother who is currently running an array of diagnostic charms on Sirius, and he doesn’t care how ridiculous or desperate he sounds.

It’s been an hour since Sirius stumbled through their floo, coughing and bleeding and trembling like he just had a run-in with the Dark Lord, only just meeting James’ eyes before toppling over.

There was some rambling about his mother and running away, and then he just fucking fainted and has been out of it ever since.

It’s easily the most horrible thing James ever witnessed and, much to his shame, that even includes Remus’ monthly transformations. Not that he knows _why_ this feels infinitely worse, but seeing Sirius so lifeless and just this bloody _still_ makes it hard to breathe, makes his chest clench, and the urge to rush off to London and hex Walburga fucking Black six ways to Sunday is nearly overwhelming.

He’d even take Sirius avoiding him for another week over this any time, and that’s really saying something because he hates being separated from him. They don’t have communication mirrors for nothing, after all, and that thought only increases his worry and self-loathing because he should have realised that something must be terribly wrong when he didn’t hear from Sirius over the last week.

His mother does her best to calm him down, but she eventually loses her patience and shoves a calming draught down his throat.

It does help; he finally listens when she tells him that Sirius is going to be alright, but he still refuses to leave his side and curls up next to him in bed, watches the steady rise and fall of his chest and vows to himself that he’s never going to let him go back into that blasted house. Or out of his sight at all, if he can help it.

**_4_ **

“I love you, you know that right?” It’s slurred, the words are blurring into each other and followed by a hiccup that makes him laugh.

They’re lying on the roof of the Gryffindor tower, a bottle of firewhiskey between them and Sirius just pointed out the names of various constellations to him as he likes to do when he’s feeling nostalgic but doesn’t want to admit it. It’s a warm night, especially for June, and it’s also their last one at Hogwarts.

Or maybe it’s morning by now, the first sliver of lights creeping over the horizon, and they’re the only ones still up.

“Stop saying that,” Sirius snaps, his tone sharp and clear and a far cry from James’ intoxicated state. Which really isn’t fair because he’s pretty sure that Sirius had much more of the firewhiskey than he did.

He turns his head and squints at him, lets his eyes roam over the side of his face, the sharp cheekbones and cutting jaw, and how his lashes paint shadows over his pale skin.

“Why does it bother you so much?” he finally asks, taking great care to articulate every individual word while keeping his hands from reaching out the way they want to. He’d like to curl his fingers around Sirius’ wrist, or maybe run them through his hair or over his brows and lips, and he frowns when his mind catches up with how weird these urges are.

He’s having them an awful lot recently and as he did all the previous times, he stubbornly ignores them.

“You just started dating Evans,” Sirius says as if that is in any way a reasonable explanation why he shouldn’t tell his best friend that he loves him.

He doesn’t come forward with anything else though and James huffs in annoyance. “And?”

Sirius exhales in a rush and sits up. “Just _don’t_ , alright?”

“But I do!” he insists, sitting up as well and glaring at Sirius. “I don’t get what your fucking problem is, you know? I mean alright, maybe I do, your family isn’t great on the whole feelings-stuff and you aren’t, either, but it’s not like it means anything more than – “

“Exactly, and now shut up, won’t you?” Sirius growls, finally turning his head to look at him and James startles at the anger and hurt that’s burning in his eyes, his brows are drawn together and his jaw clenched. “Nevermind, just – leave it,” Sirius says with a long sigh and stands up.

He’s gone before James can even try to stop him and for once, he doesn’t follow.

When he finally makes it back to their dorm, Sirius’ curtains are drawn but Remus is sitting in his bed, leaning against the headboard and reading by the light of his wand. “James,” he greets him, his voice low but with a distinct note of exasperation in it that reminds him of the time when he was a Prefect.

His eyes linger on Sirius’ curtains for a moment longer before he sits down heavily at the end of his own bed. “Did he say something to you when he came in?” he asks in a way of greeting.

Remus slowly shakes his head, though he’s not sure if it’s an answer or a gesture of… something. “You mean, except for the little fact that he punched a wall, threw around some stuff and then ranted at me for five minutes when I asked him what’s wrong?”

His eyes widen and he stands back up, intending to confront Sirius right now about what the fuck his bloody problem is.

Remus’ “Don’t,” stops him in his tracks though. He didn’t even raise his voice but the urgency was unmistakable nonetheless.

“I don’t – Remus, what – do you know what’s going on with him?” he asks, looking pleadingly at his friend because this is slowly but surely driving him mental.

He _always_ knows what’s going on with Sirius, likes to think that he sometimes knows better than Sirius does himself, just like it is the other way around, but no matter how many times he turns this whole topic over in his mind, he’s absolutely unable to come up with an explanation.

Remus stares at him for long moments, a small, pained smile tugging at his lips. “I’m sorry, but that’s not my story to tell,” he says eventually, eyes straying to Sirius’ bed for a moment.

“Remus – “

“No, you either have to figure that out yourself or just let it be, Prongs. Goodnight.”

He’s left to stand alone in the middle of the dark dorm, stare at the closed curtains of all his friends' beds and wonder when in Merlin’s name he started to feel like the odd one out in this whole disaster.

**_5_ **

“James.” It’s said in that quiet, assertive tone that Lily uses when she wants to talk about something serious, and he stops short in his current story of Sirius’ failed attempts at cooking. He looks at her expectantly and tries to remember if he did anything to warrant her resigned, slightly sad expression.

She averts her gaze, looks out of the window of the small coffee shop they’re sitting in while her hands turn her mug around, over and over, the porcelain scraping against the worn wood of the table.

“Are you – did I do something?” he finally asks when she stays silent for a while and she sighs, meeting his eyes at last.

“No – well, I mean I don’t think you…” she trails off, stares at her hands and shifts restlessly in her chair.

“Lily?” He’s actually getting worried by now. They’ve not been dating for long, but he has never, in their seven years of school or afterwards, ever seen her hesitant like this and that means that there either is something fundamentally wrong or – well, actually it’s the only possibility he can think of.

“Did you ever realise that pretty much all you’re talking about is Sirius?” she suddenly says, her head tilted to the side with a curious look in her eyes.

“Well yes – or well, I mean… I like Sirius?” he offers and runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to hide how out of sorts this makes him feel.

“I’m aware,” she says dryly before she sighs again. “What I mean is – are you certain you only _like_ him?”

He’s not sure if he’s ever been this confused and shakes his head as if to clear it. “Of course – I mean I love him, obviously – “

He breaks off when she raises her hand to stop him and pins him with a look. “Obviously?”

He gives a small shrug and stares into his coffee, remembering just how well Sirius reacted to that particular statement. But then, he’s weird like that and he doesn’t see why Lily of all people would have a similar reaction.

“Of course I do, what do you think?” he says, looking back up and wishing she would just get to the point already.

“James,” she says again, and he bites the insides of his cheeks to not snap at her. “Don’t you think… don’t you think that you two are a bit… _closer_ than friends usually are?”

He clenches one hand around the handle of his mug and takes a few, measured breaths. “Lily, could you please, _please_ just tell me what you want me to say? I honestly have no idea what the problem is, and these questions are driving me mad, so – “

“Alright,” she interrupts him, her tone suddenly sharp and her eyes boring into his. “You want to know what I think? I think you don’t only love Sirius as a friend, but you’re in love with him.”

A startled laugh escapes him and he grins at her, his shoulders relaxing and he closes his eyes for a moment. “Did he put you up to that? That’s a great – “

“Oh for Merlin’s sake,” she mutters, seemingly more to herself, and runs a hand through her hair. “James, you talk about Sirius nearly non-stop when you two are not together. When you are, you have eyes for nobody else, you’re ridiculously co-dependent and you think it’s the most normal thing in the world to run around and tell everybody and their dog how much you love him. And don’t get me wrong, that wouldn’t be weird in itself if you did the same with Remus and Peter. But you don’t – so, pray tell me, what is so different about Sirius, then?”

He’s gaping, he knows, and audibly clicks his jaw shut. His first instinct is to deny that there’s any reason whatsoever, but he thinks he might get further if he tries to actually answer her, and so he takes a moment to think about it.

“Well, Sirius is just – _Sirius_. It’s hard to explain – from the moment we met, we just… clicked, I don’t know.” He gives a helpless shrug and bites his bottom lip before he attempts to boil their friendship down to a few sentences. “He understands me without words and knows how I tick because he thinks the exact same way I do. Where everybody else is exasperated or annoyed, he lo – likes my antics because he has the same humour. He makes me laugh, and he makes me happy. I just… I feel at peace when he’s around, like nothing could ever go wrong, and – “

He breaks off. Stares at Lily, at the way she’s smiling, softly and pained at the same time. Runs a hand through his hair and frowns.

“And you don’t – you don’t think that this is more like you’re supposed to feel about, I don’t know – your girlfriend, maybe?” she asks with a raised brow and his chest clenches.

“But I do!” he protests, wincing when she pins him with another incredulous look. “And I mean, I’m not… It’s not…”

“James,” she says, for the third time this afternoon and while he never thought it would be possible, he’s getting rather tired of hearing her say his name. At least in that tone. “You just told me three days ago that Sirius is easily the most beautiful person you ever saw.”

“That was a joke! And I said handsome,” he splutters, then chokes on the sip of coffee he just took and coughs, hoping that he’s at least going to be able to put his suddenly hot face down to this, instead of her comment.

If the look on Lily’s face is anything to go by, no such luck. He runs a hand through his hair again and stares at her for a moment. “And what… I mean – I’m not – I _do_ like you, I think that’s rather obvious, and Sirius is my best friend, that’s just…”

He’s starting to feel a bit faint if he’s honest; his mind is assaulting him with memories, running a mile per minute and throwing situations at him that suddenly appear in a new light, but he still can’t make real sense of any of them.

Lily’s eyes soften and she runs a hand over her face, and suddenly she looks very tired. “Listen, it’s rather obvious that Sirius has feelings for you but is too noble and also, scared, to act on them – “

“He doesn’t – “ Her glare stops his protests and he swallows, tries to ignore his racing heart and shove that particular thought away, at least for now.

“Alright, obvious for anyone but you, I suppose. But then, you’ve always been oblivious. Anyway, what I mean to say is – “ she takes a deep breath and sits up straighter. “If you can look me in the eyes and tell me, honestly, that everything you feel for him is strictly platonic, that you will never regret to not at least try, that you actually love me enough to never resent me for taking your chance with him – if you can do that, without even feeling _slightly_ like you’re lying, then we’re fine. But if you have a single doubt, then we should end this, because right now it wouldn’t be hard to get over this. We’ve not been dating for long, and I know you never meant for things to turn out this way, but I don’t want to see either of us unhappy.”

He opens his mouth to do exactly that, and then closes it again, swallows, tries to breathe, to focus, but there’s Sirius laughing, head thrown back and eyes sparkling, there’s them exchanging glances that say everything they need to know, there’s telling Sirius that he loves him like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and there’s incomprehensible hurt about Sirius getting angry and fleeing every time he did.

“Oh Merlin,” is all he manages, his voice breaks over the words and he stares at Lily with wide eyes. “Fuck but I’m – “

“An oblivious idiot?” she offers, her eyes sad and understanding. Guilt starts to well up in him but also a huge amount of relief because he feels like so many things suddenly, _finally_ make sense, like a weight he wasn’t aware of lifts off his chest, and he closes his eyes in a feeble attempt to get a grip on himself.

“You should tell him,” she says quietly, and his eyes fly open.

“Lily, I don’t – I mean, even if I can’t deny that some of the things you said are true, you’re important to me, you really are, and I can’t just…”

“I know,” she says when he doesn’t come forward with anything else. “Believe me, I know. I’m not accusing you of leading me on, but we both know that you’ll always love Sirius more than me, and I think we both deserve better than pretending you don’t. Besides,” a wry smile tugs at her lips and she tilts her head a bit, “I really don’t like Sirius enough to consider sharing, and I don’t think he’s very good at it, either.”

An involuntary snort escapes him and he shakes his head before turning serious again. He’s still not sure that his mind really grasps what’s happening, but the longer they’re sitting here, the more he knows that she’s right. “Thank you,” he says, his voice thick, and he has to swallow around the lump in his throat when she smiles at him.

“Go,” she says after they looked at each other for long moments.

“Are you – I mean, I’m – are you sure?” he asks, digging his nails into his palms and frowning at her.

She gives a small smirk. “I might reconsider hexing you if you don’t.”

He stays still for another beat or two before he nods slowly and gets up. “I really am sorry,” he says softly, shuffling his feet and tugging at his hair. He’s a bit surprised that he feels more awful about pulling her into this than the actual breakup that’s apparently happening, and at the same time, he’s unable to put into words just how grateful he is for what she just did for him.

“I know. And I probably should have realised it way sooner, anyway. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious, at least in hindsight,” she says with a small smile.

When he opens his mouth to tell her that it’s really not her fault, she quickly shakes her head. “Go, James. I won’t repeat myself.”

He just sighs and nods.

**_6_ **

Despite Lily’s instruction, he doesn’t go back home to talk to Sirius immediately, but gets his broom and goes for a fly to order his thoughts. 

It’s only vaguely helpful – he can see that Lily does have a point, a lot of comments from Remus over the years suddenly make sense, as well as many of his own feelings; the possessiveness, the feeling that, no matter how happy he was that Lily finally said yes, something was always missing, and the strange hurt and lack of understanding when Sirius got angry every time he told him he loved him, only being a few of them.

Ironically, the last point is what actually gives him hope that Lily is also right about Sirius feeling the same for him, and it’s the reason why he’s barrelling into their flat right now, his heart pounding in his chest and his movements so sloppy that he nearly stumbles over his shoes when he kicks them off.

“James?” Sirius’ voice sounds from the living room, and a moment later he appears in the doorway, frowning at him.

He comes up short and stares, takes in his ripped jeans and washed-out shirt, the messy bun on top of his head and he has to swallow when his throat gets suddenly dry. There’s a faint memory of the exact words he planned to say, a speech he prepared for this very moment while he was circling over the forest of Godric’s Hollow, but his mind is weirdly blank for the first time in what feels like hours.

“I love you.” It’s out before he can think about it, but it also feels like the only acceptable thing to say, the only phrase that can possibly convey all the things he needs Sirius to know.

Of course, he more or less forgot Sirius’ usual reaction to those words and sighs softly to himself when his expression turns hard, his eyes flashing and hands clenching into fists at his sides. “For fuck’s sake, how many times did I tell you – you _don’t_ , James, so finally stop this bullshit. You love Lily, you’ll marry her and have a bunch of disgustingly cute children and – “

“No,” he interrupts, unable to help the small grin that’s tugging at his lips because Merlin, Lily did have a point, and this is the worst possible moment to smile like a sappy fool but well. “No Sirius, I love you and even if it took me an embarrassingly long time to realise just how much and in what kind of way, and that the reason you get so angry is because I’m obviously an oblivious idiot – if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I love you so bloody much that it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

Sirius is staring at him, frowning and tilting his head with his hands still balled into fists at his side. “What – I don’t… Fuck, didn’t you just have a date with Lily?” His expression turns angry again and James groans, quickly reaching out to grab his wrist before he can storm off as he usually does.

“Yes I did, and she broke up with me because she doesn’t want a boyfriend who loves his supposedly best friend more than her which, if you think about it, is rather fair. Then I went for a nice, long fly, realised that she’s right and now I’m telling you this because I think I behaved like a fool for long enough,” he says, spares a moment to marvel how coherent he managed to be and watches closely as Sirius’ face softens impeccably, and something like hope enters his eyes.

“So you’re – you think she’s right? And you’re fine with that?”

He gives a small shrug and nods. “I mean – don’t get me wrong, it took me a while and I still feel rather dense but – “

The rest of whatever he meant to say is cut off when Sirius takes a large step forward, curls his fingers into the front of James’ jacket and kisses him roughly. It’s sloppy, their teeth clash together and James’ glasses dig into his skin but he doesn’t care, just wraps his arms around Sirius’ waist and pulls him as close as possible.

After a few moments, Sirius loosens his grip on his jacket and buries his hands into James’ hair instead, tilts his head to give them a better angle and softens the kiss. James sighs, leans against him and runs his hands up and down his back. The little capacity of his brain he has left for coherent thought is telling him that this is how it’s supposed to feel, the way it’s exhilarating like pulling out of a dive at the last second, and safe at the same time.

When they break apart, Sirius leans their foreheads together, his eyes still closed. “You really do?” he asks again, voice barely above a whisper and he sounds insecure, suddenly, which is the only reason James bites down his first impulse to joke and tell him that it’s what he’s been saying for years.

“Yes, I promise.”

**_7_ **

“I love you,” Sirius murmurs into the top of James’ head, and hides his content, sappy bright smile in the mess of black hair.

He’s pretty sure that James is still asleep, curled against him all warm and soft, and it’s the only reason why he can bring himself to say it so easily right now.

It’s still all a bit surreal to him, and if he’s honest, he’s just waiting for James to change his mind again, regardless of how utterly irrational that is. But he’s been waiting for this for years, and that’s rather euphemistic if he considers that he never thought it would happen at all. A bit of time to get used to it actually being _real_ is probably fair, not that James gave any indication that he minded when Sirius just smiled and pulled him close in response to his repeated declarations last night.

After years of getting angry and fleeing whenever he said it, it’s an improvement, after all.

“I know, Pads,” James slurs, voice still heavy with sleep but his grip on Sirius tightens. He doesn’t even find it in himself to tense, just hides his face a bit deeper in James’ hair. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! If you did, I'd be happy to hear about it <3 
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://queenofthedagger.tumblr.com/) :)


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